Leaving & Cleaving – The Sacred Shift in Marriage
Frank Park | Founding and Senior Pastor
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
—Genesis 2:24 (also quoted by Jesus in Matthew 19:5 and by Paul in Ephesians 5:31)
Three times in Scripture—once by Moses, once by Jesus, and once by Paul—God repeats a foundational principle for marriage: a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. This three time repetition isn’t accidental. It’s God’s emphatic call for married couples to prioritize and protect the covenant relationship above all other relationships.
This act of leaving and cleaving is not about dishonoring one’s parents or extended family. It’s about establishing a new family unit, one that stands on its own spiritual, emotional, and relational foundation. Marriage is not just a partnership—it is a reordering of all other relationships. It is the only human relationship described as “one flesh,” symbolizing an inseparable union that reflects the union between Christ and His Church.
The Danger of Enmeshment
Murray Bowen, the founder of family systems theory, warned of a phenomenon called enmeshment—where boundaries between individuals in a family become blurred. In enmeshed families, the emotions, decisions, and well-being of each person are overly tied to others. Autonomy is lost. Independence is stifled. And in the context of marriage, enmeshment with extended family can threaten the new union of the new wife and the new husband.
Bowen emphasized the need for differentiation—the ability to remain connected to others while not becoming co-dependent. In biblical terms, this echoes the “leaving” of one’s family to “cleave” to one’s spouse. Differentiation allows couples to love their parents without being controlled by them, to honor them without being bound to them.
God’s Design: A New Union
When a couple marries, a new creation is formed. Scripture says they become “one flesh,” a phrase loaded with spiritual and relational weight. That oneness is not shared with parents, siblings, or even children. It is reserved for husband and wife. That covenantal union is to take precedence over all previous loyalties, patterns, and traditions.
If a marriage allows outside influences in an unhealthy way—especially from extended family—to interfere, the sacred bond is weakened. It creates confusion over roles, priorities, and responsibilities. But when a couple rightly “leaves” and “cleaves,” they step into God’s design: a union that models trust, unity, and undivided devotion and removes all sexual, emotional, physical, relational and social competition with your spouse.
A healthy marriage is connected but not co-dependent. It engages with extended family in love and respect, but is not ruled by guilt, manipulation, or unresolved emotional ties. This doesn’t mean cutting people off—it means establishing God-honoring boundaries. In doing so, we allow the marriage to flourish and the family to function as God intended.
Questions to reflect on:
Have you fully embraced the “leaving and cleaving” principle in your marriage, or is it just on paper?
Parents with married children: Have you allowed your children to differentiate and create a new family with new traditions, or do you find yourself trying to hold on?
Are there enmeshed relationships with extended family that need clearer boundaries?
Husbands - does your wife FEEL your priority?
Wives - does your husband FEEL your priority?
—Genesis 2:24 (also quoted by Jesus in Matthew 19:5 and by Paul in Ephesians 5:31)
Three times in Scripture—once by Moses, once by Jesus, and once by Paul—God repeats a foundational principle for marriage: a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. This three time repetition isn’t accidental. It’s God’s emphatic call for married couples to prioritize and protect the covenant relationship above all other relationships.
This act of leaving and cleaving is not about dishonoring one’s parents or extended family. It’s about establishing a new family unit, one that stands on its own spiritual, emotional, and relational foundation. Marriage is not just a partnership—it is a reordering of all other relationships. It is the only human relationship described as “one flesh,” symbolizing an inseparable union that reflects the union between Christ and His Church.
The Danger of Enmeshment
Murray Bowen, the founder of family systems theory, warned of a phenomenon called enmeshment—where boundaries between individuals in a family become blurred. In enmeshed families, the emotions, decisions, and well-being of each person are overly tied to others. Autonomy is lost. Independence is stifled. And in the context of marriage, enmeshment with extended family can threaten the new union of the new wife and the new husband.
Bowen emphasized the need for differentiation—the ability to remain connected to others while not becoming co-dependent. In biblical terms, this echoes the “leaving” of one’s family to “cleave” to one’s spouse. Differentiation allows couples to love their parents without being controlled by them, to honor them without being bound to them.
God’s Design: A New Union
When a couple marries, a new creation is formed. Scripture says they become “one flesh,” a phrase loaded with spiritual and relational weight. That oneness is not shared with parents, siblings, or even children. It is reserved for husband and wife. That covenantal union is to take precedence over all previous loyalties, patterns, and traditions.
If a marriage allows outside influences in an unhealthy way—especially from extended family—to interfere, the sacred bond is weakened. It creates confusion over roles, priorities, and responsibilities. But when a couple rightly “leaves” and “cleaves,” they step into God’s design: a union that models trust, unity, and undivided devotion and removes all sexual, emotional, physical, relational and social competition with your spouse.
A healthy marriage is connected but not co-dependent. It engages with extended family in love and respect, but is not ruled by guilt, manipulation, or unresolved emotional ties. This doesn’t mean cutting people off—it means establishing God-honoring boundaries. In doing so, we allow the marriage to flourish and the family to function as God intended.
Questions to reflect on:
Have you fully embraced the “leaving and cleaving” principle in your marriage, or is it just on paper?
Parents with married children: Have you allowed your children to differentiate and create a new family with new traditions, or do you find yourself trying to hold on?
Are there enmeshed relationships with extended family that need clearer boundaries?
Husbands - does your wife FEEL your priority?
Wives - does your husband FEEL your priority?